Family
fog of nine parts over twelve days (1/9)
(i)(from-afar)shall remember and in no way(o threshold,
o way)would (i) escape the notice of Apollo(hekatos)from-afar,
the one whom, when going and coming(o gods)(she would run)(shine,
gleam)(contemplate)through the house(build, you)(she builds)(i
build)of Zeus, the gods tremble(by trembling)(going and coming);
and there and then(i will snarl)(easy)(i will sprinkle water)they
spring up(by darting up)(eagerly)near-to the coming and going,
all(o all)from their seats, when(she)stretches(and strains)out
the shining(radiant)(glistening)(famous)(phaidrean)(rain)bows.
μνήσομαι οὐδὲ λάθωμαι Ἀπόλλωνος ἑκάτοιο,
ὅντε θεοὶ κατὰ δῶμα Διὸς τρομέουσιν ἰόντα:
καί ῥά τ᾽ ἀναΐσσουσιν ἐπὶ σχεδὸν ἐρχομένοιο
πάντες ἀφ᾽ ἑδράων, ὅτε φαίδιμα τόξα τιταίνει.
but Leto alone stays(stay, you)beside delights-in-the-thunderbolt Zeus,
and she there and then(the bow)(living)(o living)(they lived)(living)(life)
let loose(and released)and shut(and enclosed)the quiver and bow,
Λητὼ δ᾽ οἴη μίμνε παραὶ Διὶ τερπικεραύνῳ,
ἥ ῥα βιόν τ᾽ ἐχάλασσε καὶ ἐκλήισσε φαρέτρην,
and(she)taking them from the wowow shoulders by the hands(taking)
(rain)bows suspends(hangs)up(down)towards the pillar of its father
of the peg(phallus)of gold; but(she)seats him, into the(herb)throne,
(she)(leading)(fetching)(bringing)(carrying)(guiding)(commanding)
(drawing out)(and describing)(holding as an event)(and celebrating)
(weighing down a scale)(with a certain weight)and taking for herself.
καί οἱ ἀπ᾽ ἰφθίμων ὤμων χείρεσσιν ἑλοῦσα
τόξα κατεκρέμασε πρὸς κίονα πατρὸς ἑοῖο
πασσάλου ἐκ χρυσέου: τὸν δ᾽ ἐς θρόνον εἷσεν ἄγουσα.
by(it)then the father gives(offers)(grants)nectar(by)the vessel of gold
showing(manifesting)the beloved child; and then the other daimones
thereupon sit down; and the mistress-lady Leto rejoices,
because(she)gave birth to the(rain)bow-bearing and(mighty)steadfast child.
τῷ δ᾽ ἄρα νέκταρ ἔδωκε πατὴρ δέπαϊ χρυσείῳ
δεικνύμενος φίλον υἱόν: ἔπειτα δὲ δαίμονες ἄλλοι
ἔνθα καθίζουσιν: χαίρει δέ τε πότνια Λητώ,
οὕνεκα τοξοφόρον καὶ καρτερὸν υἱὸν ἔτικτε.
rejoice, O blessed Leto, since you gave birth to two glorious children,
Apollo the lord and Artemis of the pouring-forth-(poison?)-arrows,
the one in Ortygia, the other in rugged Delos, (o she)having(bending)(giving-
way)(reclining)(resting)toward the great mountain and Kynthian riverbank,
the most-nearly-like the palm tree(phoenix)(purple-pink)(a sticky date),
on the flows of the river-fountain Inopos.
χαῖρε, μάκαιρ᾽ ὦ Λητοῖ, ἐπεὶ τέκες ἀγλαὰ τέκνα,
Ἀπόλλωνά τ᾽ ἄνακτα καὶ Ἄρτεμιν ἰοχέαιραν,
τὴν μὲν ἐν Ὀρτυγίῃ, τὸν δὲ κραναῇ ἐνὶ Δήλῳ,
κεκλιμένη πρὸς μακρὸν ὄρος καὶ Κύνθιον ὄχθον,
ἀγχοτάτω φοίνικος, ἐπ᾽ Ἰνωποῖο ῥεέθροις.
from hymn 3 to Apollo
of generosity in a state of war
two blood-soaked abortions (at least)and decades
of(mind)(mood)(me)(them)(-altering)birth-
control
for lack of place
for lack of safety
for gluttony of fear
my fear to bring a living thing
into the state of war
the all-against-all
so leave me, lead me inside
again and again, layer me in
your wordless moment
your clothes, your close the door
felt hard and soft and then gently
until its just us here
and those in the palaestra, altogether
(i was)(they were)flowing around us, in
a circle(it would)(will surround)entirely(shelter us)by care
until now
as it grows binding
and needful
O well-begotten, world-suffering, well-
begetting one, would you be born
could you still hear
my word to call my child
by fathers countless and guardians mighty
as our enfolding of generosity
καὶ οἱ ἐν τῇ παλαίστρᾳ
ἅπαντες περιέρρεον ἡμᾶς κύκλῳ
κομιδῇ
τότε δή
ὦ γεννάδα
Charmides 155δ
cf Aristotle nic ethics 1100b30
eta uh-
oh
🌗
moving (on purnama) with sisters R. and N.
yesterday, the family toppled
an altar and dug up the vessel
of ancestors who had been
held there in the earth.
they cradled the thing.
they placed it amongst sacred
objects and offerings on a truck.
they drove it across the island.
we drove it over and around
the lakes and the mountain
on roads like melting hairpin loops.
we called them wrinkles.
we arrived at the older
the older-newer
present home
where home would be.
they placed the ancestors
underneath the altar
in the older shrine, to be
held there in the earth.
over sticky jajan and sweet coffee
we were laughing about
how complicated everything was.
any simple story.
imperfectly
a jepun tree was in bloom. the night
sky was almost free of clouds,
turning and keeping it alive.
//
and after we have had (or held) our fill of such as those
in turn i was questioning them(selves)
about the (things) by this
ἐπειδὴ δὲ τῶν τοιούτων ἅδην εἴχομεν
αὖθις ἐγὼ αὐτοὺς ἀνηρώτων
τὰ τῇδε
news of orchids
Phaedrus:
isn’t it overgrowingly (huper-phuos)
(in) other things
and also by the names (honomasin)
joined (together) (eresthai)
οὐχ ὑπερφυῶς
τά τε ἄλλα
καὶ τοῖς ὀνόμασιν εἰρῆσθαι
//
yesterday, in the kitchen, our friend whos out
from prison, was sharing gossip about a junior
being caught and being sent to aranjep
over kampung coffee and orchid media.
and no, they never tell me how it works.
the violet news arrives always from inside
the shackled parallel, the humbled inflorescence.
recirculating sources its own mystery.
war-salvaged rumors from the streets are white
like mouses ears that dream into my peers.
we build them nests from all our mixed-up hair.
the silver blacks the blonde. the ashen thatch.
the trees trail overgrowingly through tails
and tubers until, tangled up, the bearded roots.
to found us here. among inmates and outlaws
and songs, as clove tobacco blanketed our evening.
did you know, they blow the breath of dust
until a fungus makes the faerie home?
a thinking blink is how they move from there
to here, a mayfly mask, the wake to name a wink.
the jungle knows no law, leastly, my wooden sanity.
and when reports an owling bloom, my nervous cell —
i dont believe in walls, i saw you on the battlefield, and
i dont believe youre dead, how could you trust me.
so we have come to be present, by the previous
of evening, out of Potidaea, from the army.
and as having arrived, through time, gladly
i go. and two-thirds of the words are backwards slang.
//
Socrates:
we have come to be present (hekomen)
by the previous of evening
out of Potidaea from the army-ground (stratopedon)
and as having arrived through time
gladly
i go
upon the together-dwelling (sunethes)
rubbed-throughs (diatribas)
ἥκομεν τῇ προτεραίᾳ ἑσπέρας ἐκ Ποτειδαίας ἀπὸ τοῦ στρατοπέδου
οἷον δὲ διὰ χρόνου ἀφιγμένος
ἁσμένως
ᾖα
ἐπὶ τὰς συνήθεις διατριβάς
//
🌒
Happy Birthday to Her
(got resurrection
yet?)
last night, we had a birthday dinner for Blih’s fiancée.
having lived with him for years, we have a lumayan
understanding of his habits in relationship. and i hope
beyond hope that they can make it work. because i love
her, and already, i feel like she is my sister.
so we take them out, to the restaurant at the end of
the island. where, for one night, she and my brother
might dine, and be treated, like we, who bring foreign
money here. and i will tell you frankly, the dining scene
is fucked-up. where even to begin.
(someday maybe i’ll know how to share Mak Sun’s way
of making krawu. that day is not here.)
the maskmaker and i are semi-regulars at this restaurant,
a vegan place, where the staff know us well enough
by now, and treat my husband with dignity and respect.
nothing puts a damper on a lovey-dovey date quite like
everybody assuming he’s a delivery driver.
so we order a variety of delicious dishes, none local,
all absurd, decadent, and as fun as we can manage. well
it seems, in Bali, and from all sides, that foreign money
will buy you anything; will fix any problem; will satisfy any
want. and foreigners arrive so ravenous for grace.
(not to be confused with Grace, who is our bossiest hen.
we do not eat her for a reason.)
where was i? as fun as we can manage. but from the start,
i can tell, my brother and sister are exhausted. perhaps
from arguments. this is okay. we are family; we have
been stuck into each others tangled lives; we have seen
the messy, the tearful, the claws; the krawu.
my sister explains the facts of her new job; reception
at a salon, where, with a similar disability as me, she can
work seated. it has better incentives than her previous
job; but demands a 60-hour week, leaving her one day
free, for her children, from a previous marriage.
not to mention, Blih. our brother is a tough and heartfelt
man. he connects diversities of jobs; he body-builds, covered
with tattoos, with discipline; often on sosmed; he hosts
and keeps the family guesthouse (it’s complicated); and
he does security at cockfights.
we listen, express sympathy, and take note of what
our loved ones need; what we can say that might help,
and what we might possibly do; to be good friends
and keep our family together and strong; as our family
has done, does, and has the will to do, for us.
at the end of the night, after (surprise!) chocolate lava
cakes, rich molten cores melting into vanilla-laced, coconut-
based ice cream; the waiters having sung happy birthday
(in English), coercing the entire room (of foreigners)
to sing along; my sister and i share a hug.
send me a message whenever you need, i say; and come
visit us, whenever you can, or please. i know, i say, that he
can be a big, overgrown child, sometimes. (of what man is
this not true?) but he has a good heart. and we all pray
that he remembers it, in good time.
she murmurs several things in reply, one of which
is this (in Indonesian): i don’t want to be a bother. to which
i say, my voice as firm as i can muster: don’t you think
about that. jangan begitu. we are all afraid to be a bother;
when nothing on this earth is worth more than a friend.
as we drive home, the maskmaker and i discuss the All.
(it’s what we do. it is what marriage is, for us. just fyi.)
we both have hope, though he’s more optimistic than me.
that is his habit; he has his reasons. go tell the ai, we all
(Alhamdulillah) have our reasons.
it isn’t until the next morning that it clicks. our brother
and sister had wondered (i didn’t quite understand it at
the time), whether we do any markets (or smthng). now
i realize, and grab my phone to send the urgent text: DO NOT
give your nest-egg to crypto, mlm, or any other scam!!
after which
i say, to the giving sky —
if i am a golden calf
lets take me to the bank
//
Phaedrus: (as Lysias, cont.)
but equally (isos)
it is fitting (prosekein) to gratify (charizein)
not the ones in violent (sphodra) need (deein)
but those who are most able (dunamai)
to pay back (apodidonai)
the grace (charis)
// 233ε
ἀλλ᾽ ἴσως προσήκει οὐ τοῖς σφόδρα δεομένοις χαρίζεσθαι
ἀλλὰ τοῖς μάλιστα ἀποδοῦναι χάριν δυναμένοις
//
eta note: i am taking a rest day tomorrow
for a routine medical procedure. x
Out of wood
I come to, in a cold sweat, twisted in
the linen sheet. These nights, I’m shivering
again. As overhead, the rain continues on
and on, like a forgotten faucet in the clouds.
In darkness, the rooster crows. His hens
crowd under eaves to avoid the downpour.
The cats are asleep. And I sense your body,
tossed limbs and derelict, fragmented speech.
I dream you’re at a diner, in laughter with
some other family. Beside you sits a woman
who is blonde, like me; while I sit with your kin.
I dream we’re in a doubling argument.
When the waitress brings coffee, my cup
is shallow brew in bone. I want to raise it
to my lips. The taste recedes, an emptied kiss
of blackest mud into the muffled dawn.
A steel blade scrapes the pale surface. A piece
we salvaged from the giant, fallen pule tree.
The base diameter was twice, at least,
your height. I snapped a photo to document
the ancient proportion. The storied work.
Spent shavings accumulate in piles, on piles.
Among them, I find you; wrestling with his grim
resolve to shape a smile out of wood.
//
Phaedrus: (as Lysias, cont.)
for those ones will show affection (agapeein)
and will follow after (akoloutheein)
and will come to the doors
and will take exceeding amounts of pleasure (malista hedomai)
and will not know (eisontai) the least grace (charis)
and will pray (euchomai) for many good things for them
// 233ε
ἐκεῖνοι γὰρ καὶ ἀγαπήσουσιν
καὶ ἀκολουθήσουσιν
καὶ ἐπὶ τὰς θύρας ἥξουσι
καὶ μάλιστα ἡσθήσονται
καὶ οὐκ ἐλαχίστην χάριν εἴσονται
καὶ πολλὰ ἀγαθὰ αὐτοῖς εὔξονται
Other-taught
(interview with the maskmaker by his wife)
living in a house of masks
is not for everybody
but it is real
the proportions of a mask
belie the ratio
of its invitation
what the heart desires
will not be had
without a mask
a mask is not an enemy
a mask is not a lie
it is a method
to have and hold a face
to have and hold a want
with the un-willing
to try and try again
to turn and turn away
the many willing ways
when a mask completes its turn
from the mouth is born
a lover in reverse
//
Phaedrus: (as Lysias, cont.)
(on the one hand)
holding (echein)
agreement (suggnome)
with the un-willing (aekousios)
(on the other)
trying (peiraein)
to turn away (apotrepein)
the willing (ekousioa)
// 233ξ
τῶν μὲν ἀκουσίων συγγνώμην ἔχων
τὰ δὲ ἑκούσια πειρώμενος ἀποτρέπειν
//
//
🌒
visit to a Javanese grave
bringing flowers in the grey of morning
we walk from the village to the graveyard
to pray and listen for our hidden father
the unmarked kijing crowd uneven paths
the buckled beds are bristling with grass
and creeping weeds and blossoming shrubbery
and overseen by shaggy jepun trees
their twisted bodies cross at knotted joints
their mask of all the seasons all at once
damp after rain the mud sticks to my feet
and sandals i rinse off before we leave
so other ghosts unclaimed wont follow me
//
Phaedrus: (as Lysias, cont.)
for those (lovers / erastes) praise
aside from whats best
the things said
and the things done
// 233α
ἐκεῖνοι μὲν γὰρ καὶ παρὰ τὸ βέλτιστον τά τε λεγόμενα καὶ τὰ πραττόμενα ἐπαινοῦσιν
//
tonight is an engagement ceremony
its one more meeting of families to go
before tomorrow we return to Bali
and one more time with the toilet jongkok
splashing water up from underneath
with the gayung from the bak mandi
while listening to the two goats bleat
kept there by the neighbors
who live out back
//
not the Minotaur
but how we have hollowed such
a complicated animal
your desire surfacing
my darker ways
as your surface
of underlying fear
known suffering
like capacity
slow as
(a baby runs barefoot across the concrete floor
surrounded by the whirlwind seat of family
his mothers place their hands over sharp corners
his grandmothers grab him before he exits
the door left open to the porch warung
where the local autist mampirs for a treat
off the street of his village neighborhood
as great-grandparents near-toothless smiles
play peek-a-boo for kisses as he toddles by
like every baby his worst enemy is “no”
and in his hands a wooden dragon chomps
at cookie tins and plastic-wrapped sugar snacks
the loudest tyrant in the room screaming
his raw desire to be louder than U.S. America)
the end
a little bull in
a spoked labyrinth
our babbled reckoning
but these things
are left behind
as remembrances
of what will come to be
a sacrificial self for self-legibility
//
Phaedrus: (as Lysias, cont.)
but these things
are left behind (kataleipesthai)
as remembrances (mnemeion)
of what will come to be
// 233α
ἀλλὰ ταῦτα μνημεῖα καταλειφθῆναι
τῶν μελλόντων ἔσεσθαι
like a nightingale
as we are leaving
i am caught by a voice
she is singing herself to sleep
i touch his arm
and when he hears
he takes out his phone
as she sings her song
i watch his calloused fingers
fumble on the glass
i should have done it
i will realize later
stunned with regret
she has no clarity left
Mak Sun whispers
tidak jelas
so like a nightingale
i couldnt say to him
maybe it will happen again
//
Phaedrus: (as Lysias, cont.)
it isnt likely
that these things
which they enjoyed (eu paschein)
would make (poieein)
their friendship (philia)
less
// 233α
οὐκ ἐξ ὧν ἂν εὖ πάθωσι ταῦτα εἰκὸς
ἐλάττω τὴν φιλίαν αὐτοῖς ποιῆσαι
//
first impression (after 7 years) of Java
i speak for no place
but Java is an island
of inwardness
there is no welcome sign
there are no gods and no
it would not like to sell itself to you
a hot shower is hard to find
the homestays are all syariah
the call to prayer interrupts your sleep
yet the women press you to their breast
the coffee served is bitter-sweet
and Tengger keeps the everlasting gravity
in cedars saw we held a hidden rustle
of greener paths behind the highland cloud
in dialogue among smouldering volcanoes
if i could live in Java
i would never need
to write another poem
//
Phaedrus: (as Lysias, cont.)
who (were)
being beloveds (philoi ontes)
to one another
before they did (prassein)
these things
// 233α
οἳ καὶ πρότερον ἀλλήλοις φίλοι ὄντες ταῦτα ἔπραξαν
//
(photo from April 2024)
mothers
we are invited to mampir
so we visit many mothers
they serve us coffee and jajan
the mothers always cry for us
one of my first lessons was
the mothers always cry
all the rivers of this island
from the secret doors of sight
must be their tears
//
🌕
//
Phaedrus: (as Lysias, cont.)
so there is much more hope (elpis)
for friendship (philia) for them
from the deed (pragma)
rather than hatred (echthra)
to be born (genesthai)
// 232δ
ὥστε πολὺ πλείων ἐλπὶς φιλίαν αὐτοῖς ἐκ τοῦ πράγματος
ἢ ἔχθραν
γενέσθαι
just you
the thunderstorm came and clapped
and passed through like gods
practicing my animal ears
until i could take a deep
and fearless nap
of dreams
i woke up wanting
just you
all over again
//
Phaedrus: (as Lysias, cont.)
but however many
as happen (tugchanein)
not
(to be) loving (eran)
and otherwise
through excellence (arete)
passed through (prassen)
those they want (dein)
//
ὅσοι δὲ μὴ ἐρῶντες ἔτυχον
ἀλλὰ δι᾽ ἀρετὴν ἔπραξαν ὧν ἐδέοντο
//
this limasan is not a terror dream
(or how i came to Potro Joyo House)
strange and for a few years
maybe 2018 to 2022
(i moved to Indonesia in 2019)
i dreamed mostly about a flood
lately we live on the sawah
and i dream of earthquakes
(what happened in 2023 was
the dream to build a temple
transparently that is the one
that grabbed me by the throat
that was a hard-yanked chain
to re-make my heart pounding)
anyway i am in a skyscraper
(in tv cities like Philadelphia)
it starts to quake
the building sways as i rush down
the stairs or ladders or chutes or waterfalls
until i come spilling out into the street
well my dreams are hacks
last night as i ran out i looked up and saw
the tower sinuous begin to buckle
and bricks were busting a volcanic bubble
as i ran down the mountain to escape
the expanding smoke and debris
this limasan is not a terror dream
i do not wake up in a fright
(no real nightmares since U.S. America)
but they are disaster dreams
just now maybe like working it out
or making something from dream rubble
and last night it was a real earthquake
not too distant not too deep a 4.6
our home is a cathedral of teakwood
beloved architect vernacular
when it jiggles his bending pillars sound uncanny
old joints of salvage living in the ring of fire
//
the maskmaker writes
like gotong royong
& Hong Ulun Basuki Langgeng
🇮🇩
Phaedrus: (as Lysias, cont.)
and when (as seems inevitable)
disagreement comes to be
and the mishap
in any other way
would be set down as common
to both
// 232β
καὶ ἄλλῳ μὲν τρόπῳ διαφορᾶς γενομένης κοινὴν ἂν ἀμφοτέροις καταστῆναι τὴν συμφοράν
//
selamat calendar complex
Ogoh-Ogoh for tilem today
and family calls and the gamelan calls
(seen here, here, here, here?, nsfw?)
when having constructed our demons
we carry them through the streets
and shake them and fight them
and turn them and burn them
and ooh and aah and waow
and laugh and breathe fire
and then
collapse
into
Nyepi tomorrow
no outgoing or talking
or fire or electricity
or internet
or working
or lovemaking
we let the ogoh-ogoh
believing it to be uninhabited
pass harmlessly over the island
so tomorrow will be silent
in the valley as well
no posts from me ok
then (we await
confirmation from the village
its all local time) Eid al-Fitr . . .
//
lipsblum and parfum ooze
the cherries fell and placed their fingerprints
between my feet like small mouths of a month
of its here its a bloody wee well of a red whale
her fluke-petals strewn long the grey and white tile
and smudge of a moth in the blossoms to clear
but im always her hem and im on the sore brink
of love with the let-jet and inky-bruise style of it
like my pussy would write her own un-willing book
would underwear-stain me an avant-garde blotch
of enfant terrible for primordial brood
elsewhere wind-egg dramatic and lithe acrobatic
some brown-wise residuum to raging en rouge
sex-flowing battle and kiss-knowing cramp
my blew-brewing worm of verbage vole-damp
a crescendo howled in my bowling-ball clamp
and how you offered to switch off the lamp
so i wouldnt need to move at all
so i lie lust-fallow-unfastened at last for now
and i shower near the violet melati that you grow
with slugs softly tucked in a wet toilet paper roll
//
🌖
//
after
the easy way out
saucy
like a bruise
cherry
&c
& the maskmaker
who called lip balm that
♥️
santai di pantai
big ocean rolling here, nearby
where me and my too luminous
for my own good maskmaker
are santai, on our anniversary
purnama pulls the swelling tide
like poetry, erasing traces
the waves of endlessness reply
by silver water, silver sky; and we
like sand and salt, by speech unsifted
//
🌕
thremmata
corpse pose again, is it for real this time, as i
down to the underworld for Hades lower table
descend, the darker cloud of somebodys forever
to a banquet feast of charred fat strewn with ashes
i sit before the offering of my own left shin
my tender bone is bowing its familiar flaw
my meat is dripping ratios from the burning violin
i eat it all, although my name is not Issa
as eat the dead, by whispers, one million and seven
then i look down to find beast-legs with chestnut hair
my knuckled shanks uncrossed, my hooves are lightning-cloven
my kept creature walks on two or four, tall-horned
whose crescent shavings will be ground into the rock
whose name is leaving many by the blade of one
//
and the rod
Black Ajax bitter on my left
Red Ajax blooded on my right
grim speechless my bronze-armored kin
by serpent held Asclepian
//
a-courting, or the word used here
we mampir with Blih at the house of his girlfriend
to meet her mother, by his side, the maskmaker and i
as family representatives or peopled containers
my labels are to smile and nod with genuine interest
to follow the conversation, for extra credit
to support Blih, we drive him there and back
to eat and drink what we are given, to stay as long as it goes
to coach him in the car, to ease his nerves broaching
the sensitive topics, to approve, one step of many
both already divorced, he’s two years older than us
she is a few years younger, expressive, at ease
a tempering of his toughened wants and weathers
just to us he mentions, maybe a baby; pretends
not to be enchanted by a computer-generated mockup
//
🌓