Phaedrus
floodnotes
in open pain
stripped naked
floodnotes
you feel it too
cant you
why cant you
nowhere i go
lose what i gain
may it rain
may it rain
this broken love
be whole again
//
listening to
A Love Supreme
by John Coltrane
//
Phaedrus: (as Lysias, cont.)
when (on the one hand
it is) unfortunate (dus-tucheein)
(love) makes (poieein)
belief-practice (nomizein)
that what doesnt
hand over (para-echein)
pain (lupe)
to others
is grievous (aniaros)
//
δυστυχοῦντας μέν
ἃ μὴ λύπην τοῖς ἄλλοις παρέχει
ἀνιαρὰ ποιεῖ νομίζειν
Saxophone Appreciation Day
a person is (still)
a possibility
of change.
one day on earth (again)
a kind comedian
or a possibly retired RN
remade me by scattered clouds
ever since then
its like i was given
a tiny floating pill (pill)
but dont blame him.
Bognet is also Like
the times. goes out
and in, mudworks
the hardly-forgiven
swallower-set-whole.
of a tiny rubber boot,
of preservation,
of a soul.
but i think they got it right.
That once you hear
and train your ear-
Pore on that Play-
out thats Really
In, that
Saxophone —
it gets you
by the vowels,
by those star-
climbing
Bowels.
and doesnt ever set
you down!
//
Phaedrus: (as Lysias, cont.)
for such as these
are the demonstrations (epideiknomai)
of love (eros)
// 233β
τοιαῦτα γὰρ ὁ ἔρως ἐπιδείκνυται
//
to out of my pores by coldscars
and You would be forgiven by Michael Julius
(how could one not
be grateful
to be feasted
with such clouds)
with Aristophanes “The Clouds”
“The Saxophone Song” by Kate Bush
Black Lives
Black Thought
Black Music
and of Socrates lore
from Plato’s “Symposium”
when the beloveds ridiculous
body sits beside
in conversation with
the comic poet
//
🌘
love language
i am an ache of longing when
you crack and tell me what to do
and how on earth to pleasure you
like im a stranger to my fear
or fear takes no dominion here
or no shameful part of this is real
im just the parts desired by you
when you let my others disappear
so i train my dueling hands
you know by now they dont refuse
the teasing left the kneading right
on the healing of your hips
and i devote my afternoon
to discovering and recovering
your lips of lust about to bloom
until we name an even better middle
//
Phaedrus: (as Lysias, cont.)
those (on the one hand)
fearing
lest they be hated
and those (on the other)
whose self-knowing (autoi gignoskontes)
is worse
through desire (epithumia)
// 233α
τὰ μὲν δεδιότες μὴ ἀπέχθωνται
τὰ δὲ καὶ αὐτοὶ χεῖρον διὰ τὴν ἐπιθυμίαν γιγνώσκοντες
visit to a Javanese grave
bringing flowers in the grey of morning
we walk from the village to the graveyard
to pray and listen for our hidden father
the unmarked kijing crowd uneven paths
the buckled beds are bristling with grass
and creeping weeds and blossoming shrubbery
and overseen by shaggy jepun trees
their twisted bodies cross at knotted joints
their mask of all the seasons all at once
damp after rain the mud sticks to my feet
and sandals i rinse off before we leave
so other ghosts unclaimed wont follow me
//
Phaedrus: (as Lysias, cont.)
for those (lovers / erastes) praise
aside from whats best
the things said
and the things done
// 233α
ἐκεῖνοι μὲν γὰρ καὶ παρὰ τὸ βέλτιστον τά τε λεγόμενα καὶ τὰ πραττόμενα ἐπαινοῦσιν
//
tonight is an engagement ceremony
its one more meeting of families to go
before tomorrow we return to Bali
and one more time with the toilet jongkok
splashing water up from underneath
with the gayung from the bak mandi
while listening to the two goats bleat
kept there by the neighbors
who live out back
//
in the morning
i like your look
yet you make me
better than i am
with you i lose
the difference between
pleasure and pain
i long to hear
your laughter
in the morning
//
Phaedrus: (as Lysias, cont.)
and also
it belongs to (prosekein)
you better
to become (gignomai)
persuaded (peithein) by me
rather than a lover (erastes)
// 233α
καὶ μὲν δὴ βελτίονί σοι προσήκει
γενέσθαι ἐμοὶ πειθομένῳ ἢ ἐραστῇ
not the Minotaur
but how we have hollowed such
a complicated animal
your desire surfacing
my darker ways
as your surface
of underlying fear
known suffering
like capacity
slow as
(a baby runs barefoot across the concrete floor
surrounded by the whirlwind seat of family
his mothers place their hands over sharp corners
his grandmothers grab him before he exits
the door left open to the porch warung
where the local autist mampirs for a treat
off the street of his village neighborhood
as great-grandparents near-toothless smiles
play peek-a-boo for kisses as he toddles by
like every baby his worst enemy is “no”
and in his hands a wooden dragon chomps
at cookie tins and plastic-wrapped sugar snacks
the loudest tyrant in the room screaming
his raw desire to be louder than U.S. America)
the end
a little bull in
a spoked labyrinth
our babbled reckoning
but these things
are left behind
as remembrances
of what will come to be
a sacrificial self for self-legibility
//
Phaedrus: (as Lysias, cont.)
but these things
are left behind (kataleipesthai)
as remembrances (mnemeion)
of what will come to be
// 233α
ἀλλὰ ταῦτα μνημεῖα καταλειφθῆναι
τῶν μελλόντων ἔσεσθαι
like a nightingale
as we are leaving
i am caught by a voice
she is singing herself to sleep
i touch his arm
and when he hears
he takes out his phone
as she sings her song
i watch his calloused fingers
fumble on the glass
i should have done it
i will realize later
stunned with regret
she has no clarity left
Mak Sun whispers
tidak jelas
so like a nightingale
i couldnt say to him
maybe it will happen again
//
Phaedrus: (as Lysias, cont.)
it isnt likely
that these things
which they enjoyed (eu paschein)
would make (poieein)
their friendship (philia)
less
// 233α
οὐκ ἐξ ὧν ἂν εὖ πάθωσι ταῦτα εἰκὸς
ἐλάττω τὴν φιλίαν αὐτοῖς ποιῆσαι
//
first impression (after 7 years) of Java
i speak for no place
but Java is an island
of inwardness
there is no welcome sign
there are no gods and no
it would not like to sell itself to you
a hot shower is hard to find
the homestays are all syariah
the call to prayer interrupts your sleep
yet the women press you to their breast
the coffee served is bitter-sweet
and Tengger keeps the everlasting gravity
in cedars saw we held a hidden rustle
of greener paths behind the highland cloud
in dialogue among smouldering volcanoes
if i could live in Java
i would never need
to write another poem
//
Phaedrus: (as Lysias, cont.)
who (were)
being beloveds (philoi ontes)
to one another
before they did (prassein)
these things
// 233α
οἳ καὶ πρότερον ἀλλήλοις φίλοι ὄντες ταῦτα ἔπραξαν
//
(photo from April 2024)
on the day bus to Java
tucked into my cubby
on the day bus to Java
after rushing to get out the door
a recliner in a great steel whale
the machine suspension floats
and jostles over potholes and gaps
as the island of gods carries on
im swallowed in the passing-by
a blur of gardens and crumbling
concrete drenched in sunshine
sway me to the window
sway me to the other side
its not running naked but
its almost person-sized
//
Phaedrus: (as Lysias, cont.)
but as for the nonlovers (eran)
// 233α
τοῖς δὲ μὴ ἐρῶσιν
//
lit dupa
lit dupa yesterday
tomorrow
idle following your anywhere
my sheer idol
a curl of smoke for every corner
your curl of hair
to press and burn and disappear
your servant to ashes
by trials and truths
your absence would be fear
your lie is a gift
//
Phaedrus: (as Lysias, cont.)
whenever
they have ceased
from desire (epithumia)
// 232ε
ἐπειδὰν τῆς ἐπιθυμίας παύσωνται
if still then
before the dawn
a certain rooster crows
by press of the unseen
a mountain moves
the same parade of crimes
and allegations
the same old song
of bruises going blues
if still then
then mercy for the heart
who skipped a step
to hold me by her news
//
Phaedrus: (as Lysias, cont.)
so it is unseen (adelos) by them
(the many lovers)
if still then
they will be willing (boulomai)
to be beloveds (philoi)
// 232ε
ὥστε ἄδηλον αὐτοῖς
εἰ ἔτι τότε βουλήσονται φίλοι εἶναι
desert habit
i leave
i keep leaving you
until i am your habit of leaving
and when you give me ways
like the unwilling
that i am
i breathe
for i am not
leaving scattered by the wind
so you keep me walking away
i will find your face
my love
//
Phaedrus: (as Lysias, cont.)
and in other familiars (oikeios)
they come to be (gignomai)
experienced (empeiros)
// 232ε
καὶ τῶν ἄλλων οἰκείων ἔμπειροι ἐγένοντο
take a good look
take a good look
i said
arranging my body
for you to see
and safe here
as any animal
in the ruins of desire
take a good look
at the woman
you always leave behind
//
after Awḥad al-Dīn Kirmānī
//
Phaedrus: (as Lysias, cont.)
and also
many of the lovers (eran)
hearts desire (epithumeein)
the body (soma)
before they come to know (gignoskein)
the turn (tropos)
// 232ε
καὶ μὲν δὴ τῶν μὲν ἐρώντων πολλοὶ πρότερον τοῦ σώματος ἐπεθύμησαν
ἢ τὸν τρόπον ἔγνωσαν
mothers
we are invited to mampir
so we visit many mothers
they serve us coffee and jajan
the mothers always cry for us
one of my first lessons was
the mothers always cry
all the rivers of this island
from the secret doors of sight
must be their tears
//
🌕
//
Phaedrus: (as Lysias, cont.)
so there is much more hope (elpis)
for friendship (philia) for them
from the deed (pragma)
rather than hatred (echthra)
to be born (genesthai)
// 232δ
ὥστε πολὺ πλείων ἐλπὶς φιλίαν αὐτοῖς ἐκ τοῦ πράγματος
ἢ ἔχθραν
γενέσθαι
complications of the heart
from afar i survey
the horizon of your heart
there is a vast ocean
holding a single pearl
how it turns and turns in turns
from nearby i listen
and do things and try to sit still
in a hospital waiting room
in a foreign country where
i had hoped to hold your hand
but inside i succumb
to your polishing of tears
//
Phaedrus: (as Lysias, cont.)
supposing (themselves)
to be looked down upon
by those (who would not)
and to be serviced (opheleisthai)
by the ones together-being
// 232δ
ἡγούμενοι ὑπ᾽ ἐκείνων μὲν ὑπερορᾶσθαι
ὑπὸ τῶν συνόντων δὲ ὠφελεῖσθαι
discipline
morning routines
i forgot to tell you
but i do them too
imagining the softness
my two hands
will find
too tempted
by the tantalizing touch
of your discipline
//
Phaedrus: (as Lysias, cont.)
would not envy (phthoneein)
those who are together-being (suneinai)
but would hate (miseein)
those who would not (ethelein)
// 232δ
οὐκ ἂν τοῖς συνοῦσι φθονοῖεν
ἀλλὰ τοὺς μὴ ἐθέλοντας μισοῖεν
just you
the thunderstorm came and clapped
and passed through like gods
practicing my animal ears
until i could take a deep
and fearless nap
of dreams
i woke up wanting
just you
all over again
//
Phaedrus: (as Lysias, cont.)
but however many
as happen (tugchanein)
not
(to be) loving (eran)
and otherwise
through excellence (arete)
passed through (prassen)
those they want (dein)
//
ὅσοι δὲ μὴ ἐρῶντες ἔτυχον
ἀλλὰ δι᾽ ἀρετὴν ἔπραξαν ὧν ἐδέοντο
//
this limasan is not a terror dream
(or how i came to Potro Joyo House)
strange and for a few years
maybe 2018 to 2022
(i moved to Indonesia in 2019)
i dreamed mostly about a flood
lately we live on the sawah
and i dream of earthquakes
(what happened in 2023 was
the dream to build a temple
transparently that is the one
that grabbed me by the throat
that was a hard-yanked chain
to re-make my heart pounding)
anyway i am in a skyscraper
(in tv cities like Philadelphia)
it starts to quake
the building sways as i rush down
the stairs or ladders or chutes or waterfalls
until i come spilling out into the street
well my dreams are hacks
last night as i ran out i looked up and saw
the tower sinuous begin to buckle
and bricks were busting a volcanic bubble
as i ran down the mountain to escape
the expanding smoke and debris
this limasan is not a terror dream
i do not wake up in a fright
(no real nightmares since U.S. America)
but they are disaster dreams
just now maybe like working it out
or making something from dream rubble
and last night it was a real earthquake
not too distant not too deep a 4.6
our home is a cathedral of teakwood
beloved architect vernacular
when it jiggles his bending pillars sound uncanny
old joints of salvage living in the ring of fire
//
the maskmaker writes
like gotong royong
& Hong Ulun Basuki Langgeng
🇮🇩
stranger like desire
you will come
into the desert
to know me
you will touch me like a stranger
as many strokes
as many surfaces
as many names
as many hungry palms
as your servant can carry
so empty this
your lick across the burning sand
electricity of my thirst
//
Phaedrus: (as Lysias, cont.)
you will come (hekein)
into difference (diaphora)
with them
// 232δ
ἥξεις αὐτοῖς εἰς διαφοράν
//
red (palm) sugar
you will come
into the dessert
to taste them
you will eat fried plantains
ripened until soft and sweet
crunchy with red sugar
too hot for wasted time
i almost burn my tongue
flesh tender and yellow
greasy fingers with coconut
oil and sticky lips
but did you really
//
iced kepo
iced kepo is freshly-squeezed
orange juice with just-cracked
coconut water over ice
on a hot
day before the rain
comes
maybe the traffics religion is
theres something superficial
about s-e-x
//
(kepo also means gossip)
//
🌔
//
Phaedrus: (as Lysias, cont.)
and if examining (skopeein)
what is your own
you have a thought (phroneein)
better than theirs
// 232δ
ἐὰν δὲ τὸ σεαυτοῦ σκοπῶν ἄμεινον ἐκείνων φρονῇς
Phaedrus: (as Lysias, cont.)
so having persuaded you
to be hated
by these
they set you down
in a desert (eremia)
of loved ones (philos)
// 232δ
πείσαντες μὲν οὖν ἀπεχθέσθαι σε τούτοις
εἰς ἐρημίαν φίλων καθιστᾶσιν
//
the beloveds embrace (on fitnah)
so having persuaded you
to be hated
by these
they set you down
in a desert
heart
to show the tranquility
of gold
by fire