the looper

by grief of the dog in a blinded place
he wanted her heart so he shadowed her face
under cover of dawn when she wasn’t awake
the silver misted or altering

her eyelids open but the crescent stays closed
pale beside her is a body or a suited pose
her own lap empty as an uncut rose
she brews coffee to keep him on his feet

her towering heels after pups on a leash
imposing the law with restless releases
a child was limping with a wounded shin
and the cry was loop loop looo

so she stations herself against the daily race
with a heart beat distant at a raggedy pace
the private fingering of her pencilling hand
gray ribbons or bloodlines away

checking the door, securing a window
turning a latch or locking a symbol
the lupine circling would never know
and his cry was loop loop looo

smooth is the pack, the witless texture of skin
painting the walls to skirt the outside in
and the red is to run and the fast is the worst
and sundown always coming closer

blurred in the grease at the end of the day
the charcoal prophet reflecting her phase
the stillness or the animal dilation
and her cry was loop loop looo

loop loop loooooo
ah-oooooo
loop loop loooooo
ah-oooooo

//

sfh 2

//

Phaedrus: (cont.)

and really
O Socrates
it’s mostly that i haven’t thoroughly learned the sayings (rhema);

but actually the thought (dianoia)
of nearly all the ways he asserted that the lover (era-o)
differs from the non-;

I shall go through the chief points of each in order
beginning from the first

// 228ξ

τῷ ὄντι γάρ
ὦ Σώκρατες
παντὸς μᾶλλον τά γε ῥήματα οὐκ ἐξέμαθον

τὴν μέντοι διάνοιαν σχεδὸν ἁπάντων
οἷς ἔφη διαφέρειν τὰ τοῦ ἐρῶντος ἢ τὰ τοῦ μή

ἐν κεφαλαίοις ἕκαστον ἐφεξῆς δίειμι
ἀρξάμενος ἀπὸ τοῦ πρώτου

//

photo of thick bamboo trunks, colors of olive and old lime, standing together, and fallen husks around like scattering parchment, and a dense carpet of beige bamboo leaves surrounded by other foliage.

consistency //

Phaedrus: therefore, so shall i create (poie-o).

// 228ξ

οὑτωσὶ τοίνυν ποιήσω

//

song for her

my friend is brilliant, she lives inside a box
her light is so strong, it made cracks into my house
her cracks in everything, she’s uncontainable
her container is a place of blinding peace

she is so brilliant, that i’m afraid of her
she is so quick, she catches me before i stumble
she is so mighty, one piece of her becomes my whole
by day her memory, by night her secret plan

she is so brilliant, she broke into my dream
i found her there, busy kitchening a shadow
what she was making, i couldn’t wait to see
was it a love potion, or did she want to poison me

she is so brilliant, i tried to let her know
i made a mirror, it was not the way to go
i think i burned her, by what she wouldn’t say
she is so brilliant, maybe i should have let her be

she is so brilliant, but her mom sounds like a bitch
i want to tell her, but i’m not sure about it
she watches tv, and i think it makes her sad
i’d let her see me, but her brilliance drives me mad

she is so brilliant, but our interspecies owl
if she’s leucistic, and i might be a wolf-man
if i’m too mystic, my tooth and claw and howl
to hold her close, i’m gonna fry them in a pan

she is so brilliant, i take time to process her
or i’m a house-cat, high-rolling in her sunshine
i soak it in, through my fur into my bones
chasing lit inches, and i don’t even mind

lacking her brilliance, i wrote a song for her
it’s cos i’m foolish, my words are pawns for her
i just can’t help it, i need to let her know
how brilliant she is, that i could never let her go

she is so brilliant, that i could never let her go
etc

//

not sarcastic

//

music by her

//

Socrates: since i seem entirely unconcealed (alethes) to you.

// 228ξ

πάνυ γάρ σοι ἀληθῆ δοκῶ

//

talisman

a cup of chamomile crepuscular,
my gentle wound, flowers steeping in a dream;
her springing forth, her taste exquisite autumn;
my speculative, formidable apple.

the steam is real, the stirring consequential,
the presence of the absence of a pear;
the buds are breaking up to meet the coiling
epiphany already of her ear.

a brewing honey storm, passing and holding
the amber-letting cauldron of the year;
a wash of gold undone, in case forgotten;
a promise to be warmly drunk, and often.

//

Phaedrus: Truly (alethes) the strongest way for me, by far, is to speak however I’m able; because you seem to me someone who will in no way let me go, until I say something or other.

// 228ξ

ἐμοὶ ὡς ἀληθῶς πολὺ κράτιστόν ἐστιν οὕτως ὅπως δύναμαι λέγειν, ὥς μοι δοκεῖς σὺ οὐδαμῶς με ἀφήσειν πρὶν ἂν εἴπω ἁμῶς γέ πως

//

the emerald vine

sayangku, this is insane! is how i called
to show him my translation. Wondrous bending
noetic might, this miracle of earth —
she called the way she calls him for a viper.

and it was chrysochlorous green, zithering neon
in day-bright, venom visible, scroll shining
un-minding, rubbing sleep out of her eyes;
quick-silvering to sprawling pumpkin vine to hiding —

the same, the same, the same! but every word
turned different, and all the rest went dim;
the sirens and the hooks, made dull and distant;
slow-honeyed hum, what frenzy, vital air.

the hungry lung was spitting, stitched and thinning-through
to this — brilliance, broad-leafing light, breathing
Egyptian smaragdine, Sri Rejeki, Mak Sun;
but whoever wasn’t blind already knew.

//

autopygmalesis / autopygmalysis
Trimeresurus insularis
previously

//

🌕

Socrates: O Phaedrus — if I fail to know my Phaedrus, I have forgotten my own self.

But really, neither of these is (true).

Well do I know (eu oida) that when he heard Lysias' speech, he didn’t hear it only once. But often and repeatedly, Phaedrus urged him to speak. And Lysias eagerly (prothumos) obliged.

But even that wasn’t enough. And he, managing to take possession of the book, examined what his heart most desired (epithumos).

And doing this, sitting since early morning, he gave it up and went for a walk — knowing the speech thoroughly, I would guess, by the dog; unless it is very long indeed.

And he crossed outside the wall, that he might practice (meleta-o).

And meeting one sick (nosounti) about hearing words (logoi), and seeing him, seeing, it would pleasure him to possess a fellow Corybantic reveler, and he commanded him to lead.

And as the lover (erastes) of words (logoi) was begging him to speak, he broke away, as if it was not his desire (epithume-o) to speak.

But in the end, he was always going to speak, and if someone wouldn’t listen willingly, then by force.

O Phaedrus, anyway — beg yourself to make (poie-o) right now, and quick, the very pleasures (ede / edos) that you will nonetheless make!

// 228α - 228ξ

ὦ Φαῖδρε, εἰ ἐγὼ Φαῖδρον ἀγνοῶ, καὶ ἐμαυτοῦ ἐπιλέλησμαι. ἀλλὰ γὰρ οὐδέτερά ἐστι τούτων: εὖ οἶδα ὅτι Λυσίου λόγον ἀκούων ἐκεῖνος οὐ μόνον ἅπαξ ἤκουσεν, ἀλλὰ πολλάκις ἐπαναλαμβάνων ἐκέλευέν οἱ λέγειν, ὁ δὲ ἐπείθετο προθύμως. τῷ δὲ οὐδὲ ταῦτα ἦν ἱκανά, ἀλλὰ τελευτῶν παραλαβὼν τὸ βιβλίον ἃ μάλιστα ἐπεθύμει ἐπεσκόπει, καὶ τοῦτο δρῶν ἐξ ἑωθινοῦ καθήμενος ἀπειπὼν εἰς περίπατον ᾔει, ὡς μὲν ἐγὼ οἶμαι, νὴ τὸν κύνα, ἐξεπιστάμενος τὸν λόγον, εἰ μὴ πάνυ τι ἦν μακρός. ἐπορεύετο δ᾽ ἐκτὸς τείχους ἵνα μελετῴη. ἀπαντήσας δὲ τῷ νοσοῦντι περὶ λόγων ἀκοήν, ἰδὼν μέν, ἰδών, ἥσθη ὅτι ἕξοι τὸν συγκορυβαντιῶντα, καὶ προάγειν ἐκέλευε. δεομένου δὲ λέγειν τοῦ τῶν λόγων ἐραστοῦ, ἐθρύπτετο ὡς δὴ οὐκ ἐπιθυμῶν λέγειν: τελευτῶν δὲ ἔμελλε καὶ εἰ μή τις ἑκὼν ἀκούοι βίᾳ ἐρεῖν. σὺ οὖν, ὦ Φαῖδρε, αὐτοῦ δεήθητι ὅπερ τάχα πάντως ποιήσει νῦν ἤδη ποιεῖν.

photo of bright and deep green leaves, broad star-shaped begonia leaves with maidenhair fern

beauty breathers //

monsoonal triptych

//

the lurch

and rumble of distant, compounding thunder
my favorite season is surrounding me
horizon thickener, high-humbler shadow
of mountain matter; wanting always more

//

the roar

before the rain gets here—i hear it, do you?
hot prophecy of gutters fish-flooding fields
a landslide, eating bodies, spills raw earth
white sound; what leaves are caught in it; coming

//

the opening

of space, the possible wet-through as words
after the waterwall; tree-creepers ring
syncoptic service unreserved, pure nuncial
desire; protean passant—rhythmic return

//

Polypedates leucomystax

Socrates: (cont.) O Phaedrus, anyway—beg yourself to create (poie-o) right now, and quick, the very pleasures (ede / edos) that you will nonetheless create!

// 228β

σὺ οὖν, ὦ Φαῖδρε, αὐτοῦ δεήθητι ὅπερ τάχα πάντως ποιήσει νῦν ἤδη ποιεῖν

//

familiar

if i remember you, i was fifteen
your hair was knotted by dirty difference
flecked-amber gibbous as my need for love
your body pliable and bored for me

(her mother hated your feral smell)

three decades gone, my pace is set by ghosts
and at the door, at least three cats or four
familiar tempo territorial, you puzzled
pigments with my pinkest calico

(you should know we don’t do skim)

we go, we pan the monsoon winds, we blow
gold-dust up noses of tropic mountains
resuscitate, topless in hard-top jeeps
we are burning lucky indigo, lit dupa

(what’s here that’s spendable is yours)

who reads as suffering comes craving rhyme
by planetary slow, the latest virgin
almost born, in need of form, soft hand
and shallow. Moon meadow, nettling in time

//

(she didn’t mean to make you cry)

//

🌖

Socrates: (cont.) But in the end, he was always going to speak, and if someone wouldn’t listen willingly, then by force!

// 228β

τελευτῶν δὲ ἔμελλε καὶ εἰ μή τις ἑκὼν ἀκούοι βίᾳ ἐρεῖν

//

Naysayer (Kuntilanak nest in a bamboo forest)

This nascent key would never be a song;
Of roaring cells, erasing histories
Of sound, before the cradle’s founding hush.
Where ink blot habitats, mossy and lush,

Mothered, she organized her room: a game
Of pyramids, a smear of runs and zeroes.
In attics to indifferent infinities,
Neptune left mysteries troubled remains.

A child bride was famished for the truth—
I have no nasi. My broken bone sembako
For pakis, spiral shoots of wooly fern,
Blue-rumored eyes, intransigent bamboo.

Go back again, return to your first time.
This bed presents impossible as sin:
Crossed limb, grown gravity’s unsupple twin,
And sun impenetrant, absent the rhyme.

Be quiet as the grove, posthumous ration.
What lyre was greener than an arrow, slow
As pain, and dense as destiny—known knot,
No cut chords through your circumnavigation.

//

. . .

//

(santai; good leavening could make a year)

black and white photo in a bamboo forest, crossing sticks of bamboo blocking the way.

naysayer //

I was thinkin' about turquoise, I was thinkin' about gold //

I was thinkin’ about diamonds and the world’s biggest necklace
As we rode through the canyons, through the devilish cold
I was thinkin’ about Isis, how she thought I was so reckless

Bob Dylan // “Isis”

One of my favorite songs from one of my favorite Dylan albums. All that thinkin' ends up just thoughts, of course, other than Isis. The song builds a world and tears it down, in its heart an unmarked grave, and as its whole a mystical lovers' reunion. The gold here is part of its central deception. At the Rolling Thunder Revue, Bob says “this is a song about marriage” (song begins around 19:00). Of course it is.

Over the past few days, motivated by ideas from this post, I’ve been caught in the lyrics, melodies, and moods of gold-mentions from my favorite songwriters. These are, in no particular order, the ones that rose to the surface when I went “thinkin' about gold”. They’ve populated my soul for years, as lyrics do, being at work in my memory and imagination. In this respect, I consider them “mine”. Each one is worth multiple essays' worth of consideration—but poetry can do better justice, so I’ve tried to keep these notes brief.

(I’m very sorry for all the youtube links, including the commercials. I wish there was some other way.)

In the process of re-surfacing, re-listening, and re-considering, I realized a few things. First, that I should study written song lyrics with more sustained attention. They are at least as influential and instructive as the written words that have sculpted my sensibility. Working with them in writing engages different capacities.

Second, I don’t listen to pop music; I listen to poetry.

Those men who lust for land 
And for riches strange and new 
Who love those trinkets of desire 
Oh, they never will have you

And they’ll never know the gold 
Or the copper in your hair 
How could they weigh the worth of you so rare

Suzanne Vega // “World Before Columbus”

I’ve always loved this song, shaded as it is by the colonial frame. It makes me wonder who she wrote it for. From the album Nine Objects of Desire, but I like the more recent acoustic release, where she includes it among songs about Family.

As often with Vega, there’s an understated irony at work; here, with the simultaneous liberation and re-objectification of the beloved. I find myself relating to that bittersweet bind. Loving an indigenous person from a (once- and neo-) colonized land, and writing poetry about that person (or writing poetry about my “new home”), inevitably invokes the incriminating history.

How to love in a postcolonial world? It’s an open question. Again, explicitly related to power and the image.

I was born like this, I had no choice 
I was born with the gift of a golden voice 
And 27 angels from the Great Beyond 
They tied me to this table, right here, in the tower of song

Leonard Cohen // “Tower of Song”

The irony in this song is overt and complex, like the taste of a very expensive booze. His later lyrics do this to me all the time. I sit and savor them for years, decades, and wonder who is this thing that they come from? How do you boast, and self- and other-cut, all at the same time, with such contemplative panache? I feel personally like I have a great deal to learn from elder-Cohen sensibility, being an unripe wine myself—grape juice, even. There’s an abandoned Cohen love poem in my drafts because I just couldn’t manage it . . . yet.

“I’m going on down to Yasgur’s farm 
I’m gonna join in a rock ‘n’ roll band 
I’m gonna camp out on the land 
I’m gonna try an' get my soul free”

We are stardust 
We are golden 
And we’ve got to get ourselves 
Back to the garden

Joni Mitchell // “Woodstock”

No overt irony, but the yearning remains uncanny . . . so uncanny. Interesting to know that she missed the event and wrote the song in a hotel room (see notes), after seeing footage of the festival on tv. This gold has been displaced. The lyrics describe naive delusion and an eerily impoverished hallucination. To me, it feels like she doesn’t quite believe, being however in genuine awe of the moment. The closing darkens the frame: “We are stardust / Billion year old carbon / We are golden / Caught in the devil’s bargain.” The passage of time has only deepened the sense of surreality—how has that movement unwound? Where did it go? Where did we go? —not the garden, I think.

You told me once
Gardens, yes, they know
Death is not the end and
Flowers burn to gold

Tori Amos // “Flowers Burn to Gold”

No irony here, just pure love and consolation. It’s not the only Tori song about gold but this one lives inside me. It’s pretty clearly about her mother who passed away. Live version here with a few vocal flaws but a legendary performance in tandem with a gorgeous cover. Here’s where to go when your open heart needs a good, hard cry; which, it probably does, and you just weren’t aware.

Whereas the others are examples of ironic gold, this lyric is, similar to my own kind of way, an example of liminal gold.

I loved you in the morning, our kisses deep and warm 
Your hair upon the pillow like a sleepy golden storm

Leonard Cohen // “Hey, That’s No Way to Say Goodbye”

Honorable mention; neither ironic nor liminal, a relic of the younger Cohen. “Sleepy golden storm” describes my own hair very accurately, and possibly my own self. (That’s Leonard, always looking at me, one last time.) I can’t listen to this 2008 live version without tears. I saw him play on that tour.

If you a pussy, you get popped, you a goofy, you a opp
Don’t you come around my way, you can’t hang around my block
And I just checked my accounts, turns out, I’m rich, I’m rich, I’m rich
I put my hand above my hip, I bet you dip, he dip, she dip
I say I get the money and go, this shit is hot like a stove
My pussy glitter is gold, tell that lil' bitch play her role
I just arrive in a Rolls, I just came up in a Wraith
I need to fill up the tank, no, I need to fill up the safe
I need to let all these hoes know that none of their n-ggas is safe

Cardi B // “Bodak Yellow”

Her pussy glitter is gold—yes. Also, liminal. To be clear, money means something different to Cardi B than it does to me. I think hip-hop appreciation, for most white people, requires a kind of cultural translation. It’s often poetry from a warzone, more like the Illiad than a folksinger out of the 60’s. But its ethics are just as serious, if not more sensitive to the urgencies of material and psychic insecurity. Cardi B doesn’t dance now, she speaks armor of the feminine. In doing so, her verse has impacted the very course of my life. I wouldn’t be where I am today without Invasion of Privacy. I shouldn’t forget that.

Which reminds me—

Joanni, Joanni wears a golden cross 
And she looks so beautiful in her armour 
Joanni, Joanni blows a kiss to God 
And she never wears a ring on her finger

Kate Bush // “Joanni”

Kate makes gold neither ironic nor liminal, but mythic. Another artist whose work provides psychic armor. This song, and its album, have sustained me through depths, and I have no way to describe it better than that. One might say that an earlier provision of armor (by fire!) was “Lily”, and it’s delightful to think that Yeats would probably recognize that invocation. But if any of these lyrics demonstrate the power that Yeats claims, by the gold of Byzantium, it’s here . . . Joanni, surrounded by skies and seas of honey. The beauty of Aerial remains uncontained.

One final mention (for now)—

An afro
A pharoah
I can’t go
You said so
But threads that are golden
Don’t break easily

Tori Amos // “Beauty Queen - Horses”

Tori’s muse isn’t often straightforward, but this is the opening statement on Boys for Pele, which was the most formative album of my teenage years. This poem was not an intentional reference. But unless I caught it in some childhood version of the Ariadne myth . . . BFP is where I first heard of a golden thread.

Here is a third thing that I realized, going back through these songs, related to meter and rhyme. All of my music listening, which has been a constant conditioning, influences the poetry I love, which is often written in metric verse; and the poetry I write, which, for better or worse, often comes with some kind of meter and rhyme. Why does it come that way? Metric poetry supplies—and is supplied by—its own musicality. Metric verse is, like faith, a negotiation with the sacred imagination, sacrificial and empowering at once. In this, my day and age, I know no other way to grow a voice.

But don’t listen to me, I’m grape juice. Which reminds me, the fruit described at the end of the homonymous husband poem is jambu air, which translates as water guava. Speaking of self-disclosure . . . Prose begins to feel like a kind of graphic incontinence. So, enough.

//

One final note, I adore this, “saving phenomena” from Angles Morts. Who does the work daily, and whose daemonic words, neither dead nor blind, daily conspire with my own. In case it isn’t obvious, poetic replies are this blog’s love language.🤍

//

Needleworker

Pierce me once—the crying; pierce me twice—
 The dying; pierce me thrice—my laughing tomb:
This quivering feline skin, some kind of lark,
 Sharp noise, felt aerial, fled human wound.
O Queequeg, Lucy’s love, my Nobody!
 Unmake ambergris soufflé to scrap and salt;
Pets, lapping shattered tiramisu, whet
 Our mongrel tongues; embroidering the asp.
Bull-revelry, before we dance the waltz?
 Your sutra swans around my ichthyan lisp,
To charm the vipers out—that feather in
 Your bonnet inks my tapestry with bone.
I move to tiger with you on the cusp
 Of animality, that golden-threaded throne.

//

🌘

Socrates: (cont.) And as the lover (erastes) of words was begging him to speak, he broke away, as if it was not his desire (epithume-o) to speak—

// 228β

δεομένου δὲ λέγειν τοῦ τῶν λόγων ἐραστοῦ, ἐθρύπτετο ὡς δὴ οὐκ ἐπιθυμῶν λέγειν

//